Chapter 29 - I Visit Steerforth At His Home, Again

I mentioned to Mr. Spenlow in the morning, that I wanted leave ofabsence for a short time; and as I was not in the receipt of any salary,and consequently was not obnoxious to the implacable Jorkins, there wasno difficulty about it. I took that opportunity, with my voice stickingin my throat, and my sight failing as I uttered the words, to expressmy hope that Miss Spenlow was quite well; to which Mr. Spenlow replied,with no more emotion than if he had been speaking of an ordinary humanbeing, that he was much obliged to me, and she was very well.

We articled clerks, as germs of the patrician order of proctors, weretreated with so much consideration, that I was almost my own master atall times. As I did not care, however, to get to Highgate before oneor two o'clock in the day, and as we had another little excommunicationcase in court that morning, which was called The office of the judgepromoted by Tipkins against Bullock for his soul's correction, I passedan hour or two in attendance on it with Mr. Spenlow very agreeably.It arose out of a scuffle between two churchwardens, one of whom wasalleged to have pushed the other against a pump; the handle of whichpump projecting into a school-house, which school-house was under agable of the church-roof, made the push an ecclesiastical offence.It was an amusing case; and sent me up to Highgate, on the box of thestage-coach, thinking about the Commons, and what Mr. Spenlow had saidabout touching the Commons and bringing down the country.

Mrs. Steerforth was pleased to see me, and so was Rosa Dartle. I wasagreeably surprised to find that Littimer was not there, and that wewere attended by a modest little parlour-maid, with blue ribbons in hercap, whose eye it was much more pleasant, and much less disconcerting,to catch by accident, than the eye of that respectable man. But what Iparticularly observed, before I had been half-an-hour in the house, wasthe close and attentive watch Miss Dartle kept upon me; and the lurkingmanner in which she seemed to compare my face with Steerforth's, andSteerforth's with mine, and to lie in wait for something to come outbetween the two. So surely as I looked towards her, did I see that eagervisage, with its gaunt black eyes and searching brow, intent on mine; orpassing suddenly from mine to Steerforth's; or comprehending both of usat once. In this lynx-like scrutiny she was so far from faltering whenshe saw I observed it, that at such a time she only fixed her piercinglook upon me with a more intent expression still. Blameless as I was,and knew that I was, in reference to any wrong she could possiblysuspect me of, I shrunk before her strange eyes, quite unable to enduretheir hungry lustre.

All day, she seemed to pervade the whole house. If I talked toSteerforth in his room, I heard her dress rustle in the little galleryoutside. When he and I engaged in some of our old exercises on the lawnbehind the house, I saw her face pass from window to window, like awandering light, until it fixed itself in one, and watched us. When weall four went out walking in the afternoon, she closed her thin hand onmy arm like a spring, to keep me back, while Steerforth and his motherwent on out of hearing: and then spoke to me.

'You have been a long time,' she said, 'without coming here. Is yourprofession really so engaging and interesting as to absorb your wholeattention? I ask because I always want to be informed, when I amignorant. Is it really, though?'

I replied that I liked it well enough, but that I certainly could notclaim so much for it.

'Oh! I am glad to know that, because I always like to be put right whenI am wrong,' said Rosa Dartle. 'You mean it is a little dry, perhaps?'

'Well,' I replied; 'perhaps it was a little dry.'

'Oh! and that's a reason why you want relief and change--excitement andall that?' said she. 'Ah! very true! But isn't it a little--Eh?--forhim; I don't mean you?'

A quick glance of her eye towards the spot where Steerforth was walking,with his mother leaning on his arm, showed me whom she meant; but beyondthat, I was quite lost. And I looked so, I have no doubt.

'Don't it--I don't say that it does, mind I want to know--don't itrather engross him? Don't it make him, perhaps, a little more remissthan usual in his visits to his blindly-doting--eh?' With anotherquick glance at them, and such a glance at me as seemed to look into myinnermost thoughts.

'Miss Dartle,' I returned, 'pray do not think--'

'I don't!' she said. 'Oh dear me, don't suppose that I think anything!I am not suspicious. I only ask a question. I don't state any opinion. Iwant to found an opinion on what you tell me. Then, it's not so? Well! Iam very glad to know it.'

'It certainly is not the fact,' said I, perplexed, 'that I amaccountable for Steerforth's having been away from home longer thanusual--if he has been: which I really don't know at this moment, unlessI understand it from you. I have not seen him this long while, untillast night.'

'No?'

'Indeed, Miss Dartle, no!'

As she looked full at me, I saw her face grow sharper and paler, and themarks of the old wound lengthen out until it cut through the disfiguredlip, and deep into the nether lip, and slanted down the face. There wassomething positively awful to me in this, and in the brightness of hereyes, as she said, looking fixedly at me:

'What is he doing?'

I repeated the words, more to myself than her, being so amazed.

'What is he doing?' she said, with an eagerness that seemed enough toconsume her like a fire. 'In what is that man assisting him, who neverlooks at me without an inscrutable falsehood in his eyes? If you arehonourable and faithful, I don't ask you to betray your friend. I askyou only to tell me, is it anger, is it hatred, is it pride, is itrestlessness, is it some wild fancy, is it love, what is it, that isleading him?'

'Miss Dartle,' I returned, 'how shall I tell you, so that you willbelieve me, that I know of nothing in Steerforth different from whatthere was when I first came here? I can think of nothing. I firmlybelieve there is nothing. I hardly understand even what you mean.'

As she still stood looking fixedly at me, a twitching or throbbing,from which I could not dissociate the idea of pain, came into that cruelmark; and lifted up the corner of her lip as if with scorn, or with apity that despised its object. She put her hand upon it hurriedly--ahand so thin and delicate, that when I had seen her hold it up beforethe fire to shade her face, I had compared it in my thoughts to fineporcelain--and saying, in a quick, fierce, passionate way, 'I swear youto secrecy about this!' said not a word more.

Mrs. Steerforth was particularly happy in her son's society, andSteerforth was, on this occasion, particularly attentive and respectfulto her. It was very interesting to me to see them together, not only onaccount of their mutual affection, but because of the strong personalresemblance between them, and the manner in which what was haughty orimpetuous in him was softened by age and sex, in her, to a graciousdignity. I thought, more than once, that it was well no serious cause ofdivision had ever come between them; or two such natures--I ought ratherto express it, two such shades of the same nature--might have beenharder to reconcile than the two extremest opposites in creation. Theidea did not originate in my own discernment, I am bound to confess, butin a speech of Rosa Dartle's.

She said at dinner:

'Oh, but do tell me, though, somebody, because I have been thinkingabout it all day, and I want to know.'

'You want to know what, Rosa?' returned Mrs. Steerforth. 'Pray, pray,Rosa, do not be mysterious.'

'Mysterious!' she cried. 'Oh! really? Do you consider me so?'

'Do I constantly entreat you,' said Mrs. Steerforth, 'to speak plainly,in your own natural manner?'

'Oh! then this is not my natural manner?' she rejoined. 'Now you mustreally bear with me, because I ask for information. We never knowourselves.'

'It has become a second nature,' said Mrs. Steerforth, without anydispleasure; 'but I remember,--and so must you, I think,--when yourmanner was different, Rosa; when it was not so guarded, and was moretrustful.'

'I am sure you are right,' she returned; 'and so it is that bad habitsgrow upon one! Really? Less guarded and more trustful? How can I,imperceptibly, have changed, I wonder! Well, that's very odd! I muststudy to regain my former self.'

'I wish you would,' said Mrs. Steerforth, with a smile.

'Oh! I really will, you know!' she answered. 'I will learn franknessfrom--let me see--from James.'

'You cannot learn frankness, Rosa,' said Mrs. Steerforth quickly--forthere was always some effect of sarcasm in what Rosa Dartle said,though it was said, as this was, in the most unconscious manner in theworld--'in a better school.'

'That I am sure of,' she answered, with uncommon fervour. 'If I am sureof anything, of course, you know, I am sure of that.'

Mrs. Steerforth appeared to me to regret having been a little nettled;for she presently said, in a kind tone:

'Well, my dear Rosa, we have not heard what it is that you want to besatisfied about?'

'That I want to be satisfied about?' she replied, with provokingcoldness. 'Oh! It was only whether people, who are like each other intheir moral constitution--is that the phrase?'

'It's as good a phrase as another,' said Steerforth.

'Thank you:--whether people, who are like each other in their moralconstitution, are in greater danger than people not so circumstanced,supposing any serious cause of variance to arise between them, of beingdivided angrily and deeply?'

'I should say yes,' said Steerforth.

'Should you?' she retorted. 'Dear me! Supposing then, for instance--anyunlikely thing will do for a supposition--that you and your mother wereto have a serious quarrel.'

'My dear Rosa,' interposed Mrs. Steerforth, laughing good-naturedly,'suggest some other supposition! James and I know our duty to each otherbetter, I pray Heaven!'

'Oh!' said Miss Dartle, nodding her head thoughtfully. 'To be sure. Thatwould prevent it? Why, of course it would. Exactly. Now, I am glad Ihave been so foolish as to put the case, for it is so very good to knowthat your duty to each other would prevent it! Thank you very much.'

One other little circumstance connected with Miss Dartle I mustnot omit; for I had reason to remember it thereafter, when all theirremediable past was rendered plain. During the whole of this day, butespecially from this period of it, Steerforth exerted himself with hisutmost skill, and that was with his utmost ease, to charm this singularcreature into a pleasant and pleased companion. That he should succeed,was no matter of surprise to me. That she should struggle against thefascinating influence of his delightful art--delightful nature I thoughtit then--did not surprise me either; for I knew that she was sometimesjaundiced and perverse. I saw her features and her manner slowly change;I saw her look at him with growing admiration; I saw her try, more andmore faintly, but always angrily, as if she condemned a weakness inherself, to resist the captivating power that he possessed; and finally,I saw her sharp glance soften, and her smile become quite gentle, and Iceased to be afraid of her as I had really been all day, and we all satabout the fire, talking and laughing together, with as little reserve asif we had been children.

Whether it was because we had sat there so long, or because Steerforthwas resolved not to lose the advantage he had gained, I do not know; butwe did not remain in the dining-room more than five minutes after herdeparture. 'She is playing her harp,' said Steerforth, softly, at thedrawing-room door, 'and nobody but my mother has heard her do that, Ibelieve, these three years.' He said it with a curious smile, which wasgone directly; and we went into the room and found her alone.

'Don't get up,' said Steerforth (which she had already done)' my dearRosa, don't! Be kind for once, and sing us an Irish song.'

'What do you care for an Irish song?' she returned.

'Much!' said Steerforth. 'Much more than for any other. Here is Daisy,too, loves music from his soul. Sing us an Irish song, Rosa! and let mesit and listen as I used to do.'

He did not touch her, or the chair from which she had risen, but sathimself near the harp. She stood beside it for some little while, in acurious way, going through the motion of playing it with her right hand,but not sounding it. At length she sat down, and drew it to her with onesudden action, and played and sang.

I don't know what it was, in her touch or voice, that made that song themost unearthly I have ever heard in my life, or can imagine. There wassomething fearful in the reality of it. It was as if it had never beenwritten, or set to music, but sprung out of passion within her; whichfound imperfect utterance in the low sounds of her voice, and crouchedagain when all was still. I was dumb when she leaned beside the harpagain, playing it, but not sounding it, with her right hand.

A minute more, and this had roused me from my trance:--Steerforth hadleft his seat, and gone to her, and had put his arm laughingly abouther, and had said, 'Come, Rosa, for the future we will love each othervery much!' And she had struck him, and had thrown him off with the furyof a wild cat, and had burst out of the room.

'What is the matter with Rosa?' said Mrs. Steerforth, coming in.

'She has been an angel, mother,' returned Steerforth, 'for a littlewhile; and has run into the opposite extreme, since, by way ofcompensation.'

'You should be careful not to irritate her, James. Her temper has beensoured, remember, and ought not to be tried.'

Rosa did not come back; and no other mention was made of her, until Iwent with Steerforth into his room to say Good night. Then he laughedabout her, and asked me if I had ever seen such a fierce little piece ofincomprehensibility.

I expressed as much of my astonishment as was then capable ofexpression, and asked if he could guess what it was that she had takenso much amiss, so suddenly.

'Oh, Heaven knows,' said Steerforth. 'Anything you like--or nothing!I told you she took everything, herself included, to a grindstone, andsharpened it. She is an edge-tool, and requires great care in dealingwith. She is always dangerous. Good night!'

'Good night!' said I, 'my dear Steerforth! I shall be gone before youwake in the morning. Good night!'

He was unwilling to let me go; and stood, holding me out, with a hand oneach of my shoulders, as he had done in my own room.

'Daisy,' he said, with a smile--'for though that's not the name yourgodfathers and godmothers gave you, it's the name I like best to callyou by--and I wish, I wish, I wish, you could give it to me!'

'Why so I can, if I choose,' said I.

'Daisy, if anything should ever separate us, you must think of me at mybest, old boy. Come! Let us make that bargain. Think of me at my best,if circumstances should ever part us!'

'You have no best to me, Steerforth,' said I, 'and no worst. You arealways equally loved, and cherished in my heart.'

So much compunction for having ever wronged him, even by a shapelessthought, did I feel within me, that the confession of having done so wasrising to my lips. But for the reluctance I had to betray the confidenceof Agnes, but for my uncertainty how to approach the subject with norisk of doing so, it would have reached them before he said, 'God blessyou, Daisy, and good night!' In my doubt, it did NOT reach them; and weshook hands, and we parted.

I was up with the dull dawn, and, having dressed as quietly as I could,looked into his room. He was fast asleep; lying, easily, with his headupon his arm, as I had often seen him lie at school.

The time came in its season, and that was very soon, when I almostwondered that nothing troubled his repose, as I looked at him. But heslept--let me think of him so again--as I had often seen him sleep atschool; and thus, in this silent hour, I left him. --Never more, ohGod forgive you, Steerforth! to touch that passive hand in love andfriendship. Never, never more!