Chapter 4
6.45 P. M. No, it is useless. There is no human helpfor me; I must fight this out single-handed. Twocourses lie before me. I might become this woman'slover. Or I must endure such persecutions as she caninflict upon me. Even if none come, I shall live in ahell of apprehension. But she may torture me, she maydrive me mad, she may kill me: I will never, never,never give in. What can she inflict which would beworse than the loss of Agatha, and the knowledge that Iam a perjured liar, and have forfeited the name ofgentleman?
Pratt-Haldane was most amiable, and listened with allpoliteness to my story. But when I looked at his heavyset features, his slow eyes, and the ponderous studyfurniture which surrounded him, I could hardly tell himwhat I had come to say. It was all so substantial, somaterial. And, besides, what would I myself have saida short month ago if one of my colleagues had come tome with a story of demonic possession? Perhaps. Ishould have been less patient than he was. As it was,he took notes of my statement, asked me how much tea Idrank, how many hours I slept, whether I had beenoverworking much, had I had sudden pains in the head,evil dreams, singing in the ears, flashes before theeyes--all questions which pointed to his belief thatbrain congestion was at the bottom of my trouble. Finally he dismissed me with a great many platitudesabout open-air exercise, and avoidance of nervousexcitement. His prescription, which was for chloraland bromide, I rolled up and threw into the gutter.
No, I can look for no help from any human being. If Iconsult any more, they may put their heads together andI may find myself in an asylum. I can but grip mycourage with both hands, and pray that an honest manmay not be abandoned.
April 10. It is the sweetest spring within the memoryof man. So green, so mild, so beautiful t Ah, what acontrast between nature without and my own soul so tornwith doubt and terror! It has been an uneventful day,but I know that I am on the edge of an abyss. I knowit, and yet I go on with the routine of my life. Theone bright spot is that Agatha is happy and well andout of all danger. If this creature had a hand on eachof us, what might she not do?
April 16. The woman is ingenious in her torments. Sheknows how fond I am of my work, and how highly mylectures are thought of. So it is from that point thatshe now attacks me. It will end, I can see, in mylosing my professorship, but I will fight to thefinish. She shall not drive me out of it without astruggle.
I was not conscious of any change during my lecturethis morning save that for a minute or two I had adizziness and swimminess which rapidly passed away. Onthe contrary, I congratulated myself upon having mademy subject (the functions of the red corpuscles) bothinteresting and clear. I was surprised, therefore,when a student came into my laboratory immediatelyafter the lecture, and complained of being puzzled bythe discrepancy between my statements and those in thetext books. He showed me his note-book, in which I wasreported as having in one portion of the lecturechampioned the most outrageous and unscientificheresies. Of course I denied it, and declared that hehad misunderstood me, but on comparing his notes withthose of his companions, it became clear that he wasright, and that I really had made some mostpreposterous statements. Of course I shall explain itaway as being the result of a moment of aberration, butI feel only too sure that it will be the first of aseries. It is but a month now to the end of thesession, and I pray that I may be able to hold outuntil then.
April 26. Ten days have elapsed since I have had theheart to make any entry in my journal. Why should Irecord my own humiliation and degradation? I had vowednever to open it again. And yet the force of habit isstrong, and here I find myself taking up once more therecord of my own dreadful experiences--in much the samespirit in which a suicide has been known to take notesof the effects of the poison which killed him.
Well, the crash which I had foreseen has come--and thatno further back than yesterday. The universityauthorities have taken my lectureship from me. It hasbeen done in the most delicate way, purporting to be atemporary measure to relieve me from the effects ofoverwork, and to give me the opportunity of recoveringmy health. None the less, it has been done, and I amno longer Professor Gilroy. The laboratory is still inmy charge, but I have little doubt that that also willsoon go.
The fact is that my lectures had become the laughing-stock of the university. My class was crowded withstudents who came to see and hear what the eccentricprofessor would do or say next. I cannot go into thedetail of my humiliation. Oh, that devilish woman! There is no depth of buffoonery and imbecility to whichshe has not forced me. I would begin my lectureclearly and well, but always with the sense of a comingeclipse. Then as I felt the influence I would struggleagainst it, striving with clenched hands and beads ofsweat upon my brow to get the better of it, while thestudents, hearing my incoherent words and watching mycontortions, would roar with laughter at the antics oftheir professor. And then, when she had once fairlymastered me, out would come the most outrageousthings--silly jokes, sentiments as though I wereproposing a toast, snatches of ballads, personal abuseeven against some member of my class. And then in amoment my brain would clear again, and my lecture wouldproceed decorously to the end. No wonder that myconduct has been the talk of the colleges. No wonderthat the University Senate has been compelled to takeofficial notice of such a scandal. Oh, that devilishwoman!
And the most dreadful part of it all is my ownloneliness. Here I sit in a commonplace English bow-window, looking out upon a commonplace English streetwith its garish 'buses and its lounging policeman, andbehind me there hangs a shadow which is out of allkeeping with the age and place. In the home ofknowledge I am weighed down and tortured by a power ofwhich science knows nothing. No magistrate wouldlisten to me. No paper would discuss my case. Nodoctor would believe my symptoms. My own most intimatefriends would only look upon it as a sign of brainderangement. I am out of all touch with my kind. Oh,that devilish woman! Let her have a care! She maypush me too far. When the law cannot help a man, hemay make a law for himself.
She met me in the High Street yesterday evening andspoke to me. It was as well for her, perhaps, that itwas not between the hedges of a lonely country road. She asked me with her cold smile whether I had beenchastened yet. I did not deign to answer her. "Wemust try another turn of the screw;" said she. Have acare, my lady, have a care! I had her at my mercyonce. Perhaps another chance may come.
April 28. The suspension of my lectureship has had theeffect also of taking away her means of annoying me,and so I have enjoyed two blessed days of peace. Afterall, there is no reason to despair. Sympathy pours into me from all sides, and every one agrees that it ismy devotion to science and the arduous nature of myresearches which have shaken my nervous system. I havehad the kindest message from the council advising me totravel abroad, and expressing the confident hope that Imay be able to resume all my duties by the beginning ofthe summer term. Nothing could be more flattering thantheir allusions to my career and to my services to theuniversity. It is only in misfortune that one can testone's own popularity. This creature may weary oftormenting me, and then all may yet be well. May Godgrant it!
April 29. Our sleepy little town has had a smallsensation. The only knowledge of crime which we everhave is when a rowdy undergraduate breaks a few lampsor comes to blows with a policeman. Last night,however, there was an attempt made to break-into thebranch of the Bank of England, and we are all in aflutter in consequence.
Parkenson, the manager, is an intimate friend of mine,and I found him very much excited when I walked roundthere after breakfast. Had the thieves broken into thecounting-house, they would still have had the safes toreckon with, so that the defence was considerablystronger than the attack. Indeed, the latter does notappear to have ever been very formidable. Two of thelower windows have marks as if a chisel or some suchinstrument had been pushed under them to force themopen. The police should have a good clue, for thewood-work had been done with green paint only the daybefore, and from the smears it is evident that some ofit has found its way on to the criminal's hands orclothes.
4.30 P. M. Ah, that accursed woman! That thriceaccursed woman! Never mind! She shall not beat me! No, she shall not! But, oh, the she-devil! She hastaken my professorship. Now she would take my honor. Is there nothing I can do against her, nothing save---- Ah, but, hard pushed as I am, I cannot bring myself tothink of that!
It was about an hour ago that I went into my bedroom,and was brushing my hair before the glass, whensuddenly my eyes lit upon something which left me sosick and cold that I sat down upon the edge of the bedand began to cry. It is many a long year since I shedtears, but all my nerve was gone, and I could but soband sob in impotent grief and anger. There was myhouse jacket, the coat I usually wear after dinner,hanging on its peg by the wardrobe, with the rightsleeve thickly crusted from wrist to elbow with daubsof green paint.
So this was what she meant by another turn of thescrew! She had made a public imbecile of me. Now shewould brand me as a criminal. This time she hasfailed. But how about the next? I dare not think ofit--and of Agatha and my poor old mother! I wish thatI were dead!
Yes, this is the other turn of the screw. And this isalso what she meant, no doubt, when she said that I hadnot realized yet the power she has over me. I lookback at my account of my conversation with her, and Isee how she declared that with a slight exertion of herwill her subject would be conscious, and with astronger one unconscious. Last night I wasunconscious. I could have sworn that I slept soundlyin my bed without so much as a dream. And yet thosestains tell me that I dressed, made my way out,attempted to open the bank windows, and returned. WasI observed? Is it possible that some one saw me do itand followed me home? Ah, what a hell my life hasbecome! I have no peace, no rest. But my patience isnearing its end.
10 P. M. I have cleaned my coat with turpentine. I donot think that any one could have seen me. It was withmy screw-driver that I made the marks. I found it allcrusted with paint, and I have cleaned it. My headaches as if it would burst, and I have taken fivegrains of antipyrine. If it were not for Agatha, Ishould have taken fifty and had an end of it.
May 3. Three quiet days. This hell fiend is like acat with a mouse. She lets me loose only to pounceupon me again. I am never so frightened as when everything is still. My physical state is deplorable--perpetual hiccough and ptosis of the left eyelid.
I have heard from the Mardens that they will be backthe day after to-morrow. I do not know whether I amglad or sorry. They were safe in London. Once herethey may be drawn into the miserable network in which Iam myself struggling. And I must tell them of it. Icannot marry Agatha so long as I know that I am notresponsible for my own actions. Yes, I must tell them,even if it brings every thing to an end between us.
To-night is the university ball, and I must go. Godknows I never felt less in the humor for festivity, butI must not have it said that I am unfit to appear inpublic. If I am seen there, and have speech with someof the elders of the university it will go a long waytoward showing them that it would be unjust to take mychair away from me.
10 P. M. I have been to the ball. Charles Sadler andI went together, but I have come away before him. Ishall wait up for him, however, for, indeed, I fear togo to sleep these nights. He is a cheery, practicalfellow, and a chat with him will steady my nerves. Onthe whole, the evening was a great success. I talkedto every one who has influence, and I think that I madethem realize that my chair is not vacant quite yet. The creature was at the ball--unable to dance, ofcourse, but sitting with Mrs. Wilson. Again and againher eyes rested upon me. They were almost the lastthings I saw before I left the room. Once, as I satsideways to her, I watched her, and saw that her gazewas following some one else. It was Sadler, who wasdancing at the time with the second Miss Thurston. Tojudge by her expression, it is well for him that he isnot in her grip as I am. He does not know the escapehe has had. I think I hear his step in the street now,and I will go down and let him in. If he will----
May 4. Why did I break off in this way last night? Inever went down stairs, after all--at least, I have norecollection of doing so. But, on the other hand, Icannot remember going to bed. One of my hands isgreatly swollen this morning, and yet I have noremembrance of injuring it yesterday. Otherwise, I amfeeling all the better for last night's festivity. ButI cannot understand how it is that I did not meetCharles Sadler when I so fully intended to do so. Isit possible---- My God, it is only too probable! Hasshe been leading me some devil's dance again? I willgo down to Sadler and ask him.
Mid-day. The thing has come to a crisis. My life isnot worth living. But, if I am to die, then she shallcome also. I will not leave her behind, to drive someother man mad as she has me. No, I have come to thelimit of my endurance. She has made me as desperateand dangerous a man as walks the earth. God knows Ihave never had the heart to hurt a fly, and yet, if Ihad my hands now upon that woman, she should neverleave this room alive. I shall see her this very day,and she shall learn what she has to expect from me.
I went to Sadler and found him, to my surprise, in bed. As I entered he sat up and turned a face toward mewhich sickened me as I looked at it.
"Why, Sadler, what has happened?" I cried, but my heartturned cold as I said it.
"Gilroy," he answered, mumbling with his swollen lips,"I have for some weeks been under the impression thatyou are a madman. Now I know it, and that you are adangerous one as well. If it were not that I amunwilling to make a scandal in the college, you wouldnow be in the hands of the police."
"Do you mean----" I cried.
"I mean that as I opened the door last night you rushedout upon me, struck me with both your fists in theface, knocked me down, kicked me furiously in the side,and left me lying almost unconscious in the street. Look at your own hand bearing witness against you."
Yes, there it was, puffed up, with sponge-likeknuckles, as after some terrific blow. What could Ido? Though he put me down as a madman, I must tell himall. I sat by his bed and went over all my troublesfrom the beginning. I poured them out with quiveringhands and burning words which might have carriedconviction to the most sceptical. "Shehates you and she hates me!" I cried. "She revengedherself last night on both of us at once. She saw meleave the ball, and she must have seen you also. Sheknew how long it would take you to reach home. Thenshe had but to use her wicked will. Ah, your bruisedface is a small thing beside my bruised soul!"
He was struck by my story. That was evident. "Yes,yes, she watched me out of the room," he muttered. "She is capable of it. But is it possible that she hasreally reduced you to this? What do you intend to do?"
"To stop it!" I cried. "I am perfectly desperate; Ishall give her fair warning to-day, and the next timewill be the last."
"Do nothing rash," said he.
"Rash!" I cried. "The only rash thing is that I shouldpostpone it another hour." With that I rushed to myroom, and here I am on the eve of what may be the greatcrisis of my life. I shall start at once. I havegained one thing to-day, for I have made one man, atleast, realize the truth of this monstrous experienceof mine. And, if the worst should happen, this diaryremains as a proof of the goad that has driven me.
Evening. When I came to Wilson's, I was shown up, andfound that he was sitting with Miss Penclosa. For halfan hour I had to endure his fussy talk about his recentresearch into the exact nature of the spiritualisticrap, while the creature and I sat in silence lookingacross the room at each other. I read a sinisteramusement in her eyes, and she must have seen hatredand menace in mine. I had almost despaired of havingspeech with her when he was called from the room, andwe were left for a few moments together.
"Well, Professor Gilroy--or is it Mr. Gilroy?" saidshe, with that bitter smile of hers. "How is yourfriend Mr. Charles Sadler after the ball?"
"You fiend!" I cried. "You have come to the end ofyour tricks now. I will have no more of them. Listento what I say." I strode across and shook her roughlyby the shoulder "As sure as there is a God in heaven, Iswear that if you try another of your deviltries uponme I will have your life for it. Come what may, I willhave your life. I have come to the end of what a mancan endure."
"Accounts are not quite settled between us," said she,with a passion that equalled my own. "I can love, andI can hate. You had your choice. You chose to spurnthe first; now you must test the other. It will take alittle more to break your spirit, I see, but broken itshall be. Miss Marden comes back to-morrow, as Iunderstand."
"What has that to do with you?" I cried. "It is apollution that you should dare even to think of her. If I thought that you would harm her----"
She was frightened, I could see, though she tried tobrazen it out. She read the black thought in my mind,and cowered away from me.
"She is fortunate in having such a champion," said she. "He actually dares to threaten a lonely woman. I mustreally congratulate Miss Marden upon her protector."
The words were bitter, but the voice and manner weremore acid still.
"There is no use talking," said I. "I only came hereto tell you,--and to tell you most solemnly,--that yournext outrage upon me will be your last." With that, asI heard Wilson's step upon the stair, I walked from theroom. Ay, she may look venomous and deadly, but, forall that, she is beginning to see now that she has asmuch to fear from me as I can have from her. Murder! It has an ugly sound. But you don't talk of murderinga snake or of murdering a tiger. Let her have a carenow.
May 5. I met Agatha and her mother at the station ateleven o'clock. She is looking so bright, so happy, sobeautiful. And she was so overjoyed to see me. Whathave I done to deserve such love? I went back homewith them, and we lunched together. All the troublesseem in a moment to have been shredded back from mylife. She tells me that I am looking pale and worriedand ill. The dear child puts it down to my lonelinessand the perfunctory attentions of a housekeeper. Ipray that she may never know the truth! May theshadow, if shadow there must be, lie ever black acrossmy life and leave hers in the sunshine. I have justcome back from them, feeling a new man. With her by myside I think that I could show a bold face to any thingwhich life might send.
5 P. M. Now, let me try to be accurate. Let me try tosay exactly how it occurred. It is fresh in my mind,and I can set it down correctly, though it is notlikely that the time will ever come when I shall forgetthe doings of to-day.
I had returned from the Mardens' after lunch, and wascutting some microscopic sections in my freezingmicrotome, when in an instant I lost consciousness inthe sudden hateful fashion which has become only toofamiliar to me of late.
When my senses came back to me I was sitting in a smallchamber, very different from the one in which I hadbeen working. It was cosey and bright, with chintz-covered settees, colored hangings, and a thousandpretty little trifles upon the wall. A smallornamental clock ticked in front of me, and the handspointed to half-past three. It was all quite familiarto me, and yet I stared about for a moment in a half-dazed way until my eyes fell upon a cabinet photographof myself upon the top of the piano. On the other sidestood one of Mrs. Marden. Then, of course, Iremembered where I was. It was Agatha's boudoir.
But how came I there, and what did I want? A horriblesinking came to my heart. Had I been sent here on somedevilish errand? Had that errand already been done? Surely it must; otherwise, why should I be allowed tocome back to consciousness? Oh, the agony of thatmoment! What had I done? I sprang to my feet in mydespair, and as I did so a small glass bottle fell frommy knees on to the carpet.
It was unbroken, and I picked it up. Outside waswritten "Sulphuric Acid. Fort." When I drew the roundglass stopper, a thick fume rose slowly up, and apungent, choking smell pervaded the room. I recognizedit as one which I kept for chemical testing in mychambers. But why had I brought a bottle of vitriolinto Agatha's chamber? Was it not this thick, reekingliquid with which jealous women had been known to marthe beauty of their rivals? My heart stood still as Iheld the bottle to the light. Thank God, it was full! No mischief had been done as yet. But had Agatha comein a minute sooner, was it not certain that the hellishparasite within me would have dashed the stuff intoher---- Ah, it will not bear to be thought of! But itmust have been for that. Why else should I havebrought it? At the thought of what I might have donemy worn nerves broke down, and I sat shivering andtwitching, the pitiable wreck of a man.
It was the sound of Agatha's voice and the rustle ofher dress which restored me. I looked up, and saw herblue eyes, so full of tenderness and pity, gazing downat me.
"We must take you away to the country, Austin," shesaid. "You want rest and quiet. You look wretchedlyill."
"Oh, it is nothing!" said I, trying to smile. "It wasonly a momentary weakness. I am all right again now."
"I am so sorry to keep you waiting. Poor boy, you musthave been here quite half an hour! The vicar was inthe drawing-room, and, as I knew that you did not carefor him, I thought it better that Jane should show youup here. I thought the man would never go!"
"Thank God he stayed! Thank God he stayed!" I criedhysterically.
"Why, what is the matter with you, Austin?" she asked,holding my arm as I staggered up from the chair. "Whyare you glad that the vicar stayed? And what is thislittle bottle in your hand?"
"Nothing," I cried, thrusting it into my pocket. "ButI must go. I have something important to do."
"How stern you look, Austin! I have never seen yourface like that. You are angry?"
"Yes, I am angry."
"But not with me?"
"No, no, my darling! You would not understand."
"But you have not told me why you came."
"I came to ask you whether you would always love me--nomatter what I did, or what shadow might fall on myname. Would you believe in me and trust me howeverblack appearances might be against me?"
"You know that I would, Austin."
"Yes, I know that you would. What I do I shall do foryou. I am driven to it. There is no other way out, mydarling!" I kissed her and rushed from the room.
The time for indecision was at an end. As long as thecreature threatened my own prospects and my honor theremight be a question as to what I should do. But now,when Agatha--my innocent Agatha--was endangered, myduty lay before me like a turnpike road. I had noweapon, but I never paused for that. What weaponshould I need, when I felt every muscle quivering withthe strength of a frenzied man? I ran through thestreets, so set upon what I had to do that I was onlydimly conscious of the faces of friends whom I met--dimly conscious also that Professor Wilson met me,running with equal precipitance in the oppositedirection. Breathless but resolute I reached the houseand rang the bell. A white cheeked maid opened thedoor, and turned whiter yet when she saw the face thatlooked in at her.
"Show me up at once to Miss Penclosa," I demanded.
"Sir," she gasped, "Miss Penclosa died this afternoonat half-past three!"